A mother first: A letter to my daughter

Hey all! I don’t have much to update for you about my health this time but I will next week. Today I am writing to my daughter. I know a lot of people have done this for their kids, I’ve always wanted to do this for my baby girl. Grab your tissues.

To Anna,

When I found out I was pregnant with you, I was so over joyed. (I thought to myself “I’m going to be a mom”). From there our journey started .. When doctors told me to give up on you and prepare myself for a miscarriage, I knew, in my heart, it wasn’t the time to let you go. Sure enough, you proved them all wrong. We were constantly tested and challenged between the surgery and the almost preterm labor scares,but in the mix of it all, I still had my moments to sing to you. I even grew to love all those kicks in my ribs and the aches that came from my body trying to adjust to your growth. Anna, you stuck through and held your ground while I carried you (even though you tried to come early). I  do not regret what I went through to have you. I do owe you an apology for being so closed in my mind during my time carrying you. That dark moment caused me to feel that my life wasn’t important. At the time, I felt alone and I blamed myself for my complicated pregnancy with you. After I realized that you didn’t give up, why should I? God kept you safe during all the medication and stress because he knew I needed you. You have taught me the true meaning of love. Don’t get me wrong, I love your father. But honey bunches of oats, you take my heart any day. When I gave birth to you, that was one of the most beautiful moments in my life (I told myself I wouldn’t cry but I did. Hahaha.) I couldn’t resist not to cry, and all those moments of uncertainty was worth it. When nobody had a hope, I did! Now look at you! growing into a beautiful young lady. You may be two years old, but you have the shine that can command the whole room. (just like your mommy) You may try my patience at times (LOL) but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I know we are trying to have another child, but our love won’t change for you. I know you will be a great big sister when the time comes. You are my best friend and my butt buddy, especially when your dad is not around. When you get older, I want you to push through and be the best you, that you can be. Just know that mommy and daddy have your back. I’ll do my best to be the best mommy you need. I love you, Anna Eunhye Choi

I know some are wondering why I wrote this. After seeing my daughter deal with her procedure last week. My heart broke, especially when they took her back. (I cried). I’ve always wanted to leave a letter of love for her. I had a traumatic pregnancy and I didn’t really get a chance to embrace it. Although I have written many Facebook posts for my daughter, this letter is truly a special one.

My heart goes out to all my friends and strangers who read my blog. Especially ones who can not have a child or struggle with fertility. It’s been almost two years since Anna’s birth, my husband and I till haven’t been able to conceive on our own. We hope the fertility doctors will help. (we’ll see). If you are going through this, my heart and prayers goes out to you and your family. This is not easy to handle or deal with so don’t blame yourself. I send nothing but love and hope on your journey. If you can’t have a child, this doesn’t make you less of a woman.  I love you all! Stay strong.

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